Stalk Me – And Bring Donuts

May 9, 2010

Stalk Me – And Bring Donuts

Blame Talli Roland for everything you are about to read. Apparantly I’ve been tagged, and I’m supposed to answer each of these questions  5 times.  She said she’d stalk me if I didn’t do it, but I’m rather hoping she will anyway, mostly because I know if she did show up to peep into my windows and rifle through my mail, she’d bring donuts. I love donuts.

This is all 100% true.

Question 1: Where were you 5 years ago? Hmm… 2005. A good year, if I recall…

  1. Fighting my way out of a dungeon filled with winged lizards. It’s annoying the way they stick in your hair. Like bats, but with tiny little claws. Plus, oddly, lizards have bad breath.
  2. Receiving the crown for Miss Sarcasm USA. They took the title away when they learned that A. I’m British too now, the snobs, and B. I can’t shake the rumours that I’m not as bitchy as I pretend to be.
  3. Firing our groundskeeper because he kept trimming the hedges into obscene shapes. I admit I kinda liked it, but the local primary school was not amused.
  4. After the above lizard incident, I shaved my head. Immediately grew it out again though, because when I would visited the temple, people mistook me for a Buddhist nun and asked me to bless them or their stuff. I did it, of course, but I am not certain my ad-libbed prayers were at all what they were expecting.
  5. Getting turned away from the British Royal Marines. I really wanted to get to do kick-ass covert stuff, but it turns out that a pansy, pudgey peace-monger isn’t what they’re looking for.

Question 2: Where would you like to be 5 years from now?

  1. The secret lair I was having built in Iceland is down for repairs. If it isn’t finished on time, there are plans for an alternative site at Kilauea.
  2. Anywhere that I can use a holodeck, replicator, or star gate.
  3. Still getting stalked by Talli Roland. Although if she gets bored of it before then, I will take applications for junior-stalker-in-training. Must provide own pastries.
  4. Working full-time as a TV psychic. Is there a Molly, Mary, Margaret, Maxine in the room?
  5. Commanding an elven army.

Question 3: What is (was) your to-do list today?

  1. Annoy Talli. Check!
  2. Meditate on being less flippant. Check!
  3. Make excuses not to clean the house. Check!
  4. Write some really filthy alien smut. (After lunch.)
  5. Offer my soul to Pluto (the god, not the disney character) in exchange for an iPad. (Likely this will have to wait until post-dinner. For some reason ceremonies like this are most effective after dusk.

Question 4: What 5 snacks do you enjoy?

  1. Dragonflies and katydids, but mostly chewed-up little kids. (Yes, I stole that from Calvin and Hobbes.)
  2. I already mentioned donuts, but they’re truly lovely.
  3. Lemon cupcakes.
  4. Garlic pie (helps with the current vampire problem.)
  5. Green olives. Seriously love them. Could eat them by the jar.

Question 5: What 5 things would you do if you were a billionaire?

  1. Hire a legion of clowns to stand outside parliament and throw pies at passing politicians… like all day, every day.
  2. Buy up all the advertising spots available during Grey’s Anatomy in the UK. Just so I wouldn’t have to watch commercials. Yes, I have Sky+ and can fast forward through them, but I’m a fucking billionaire. I shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of shit anymore.
  3. Buy more olives. And lemon cupcakes. But not together, because that would be gross.
  4. Bribe a BBC exec to put Frankie Boyle back on Mock The Week. Yes, he’s an inappropriate asshole. So am I, for that matter. But he’s funny as shit, and the show isn’t nearly as good without him.
  5. I’d take everyone I know on a cruise, even the annoying people. Then half way through, I’d make the annoying people walk the plank. Then the rest of us would eat donuts to celebrate.

Now I’m supposed to tag five people who are then obliged to do this, or Talli will stalk them too: Miss G, Kate McIntire (Hi, Mom! Aren’t ya proud?), Sue O’Shields, Melanie Trevelyan and Deniz Bevan.

So… take that!

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16 Comments

  1. Talli Roland
    9 May 2010

    My stalking knows no bounds. I will stalk near and far — and even to Scotland! Consider me signed up to stalk you for the next five years, donuts or not. Tell Bear I’ll bring a hot-dog rotisserie and peanut-butter maker with me.

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  2. Chris
    9 May 2010

    I thought Frankie Boyle was out for health reasons?

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  3. Indy
    9 May 2010

    OOh, now see if you do that, we’ll even let you stay with us… won’t even make you sleep out in the bushes like we do with ordinary stalkers.

    You can bring the man and meet Mr Gibson!

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  4. Indy
    9 May 2010

    @Chris: No, he was let go because the BBC got complaints about his raw humour.

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  5. Theresa Milstein
    9 May 2010

    This is a lot more fun than the other tags.

    I hope you get to command your own elven army, I really do.

  6. Mickey Hoffman
    9 May 2010

    *big smile*

  7. Jen
    9 May 2010

    Oh my gosh you have some of the most well thought out answers!!! I love it!

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  8. Aubrie
    9 May 2010

    Very funny! I always wanted my own holodeck.

  9. AlexJ
    9 May 2010

    I will gladly bring you donuts!
    Let us know how the stalking of Talli goes today.

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  10. Helen Ginger
    9 May 2010

    Those are absolutely the best answers I’ve read.

    Helen

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  11. Girl Fren'
    9 May 2010

    Funny in the extreme, kiddo. Today you’ve made me very, very proud — failed to succumb to pressure, fully-assed a fine set of answers, and passed the effing buck! That’s my girl!

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  12. Jemi Fraser
    9 May 2010

    Great answers! :)

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  13. lola sharp
    9 May 2010

    A right proper job you did with this!

    I like lots of green olives…in my vodka.

    Happy Mother’s Day!

    Love,
    Lola

  14. Old Kitty
    10 May 2010

    I hear if you make a string out of lemon cake and fish and chips with Mayo and dangle it outside your front door, a Talli Roland may come sooner than you think..!
    :-)

    Awwwww she’s lovely!!! Bless her – we love you Talli Roland!!

    Anyway, I look forward to your elven army and your psychic prowess and would like to book an appointment with you in five years time.

    Thank you.

    :-)

    Take care
    x

  15. Creepy Query Girl
    10 May 2010

    Bwahahaha! Great answers. I feel like I’ve learned so much about you….;)

    [ Follow me on Twitter: ]

  16. shannon
    10 May 2010

    “I’d take everyone I know on a cruise, even the annoying people. Then half way through, I’d make the annoying people walk the plank. Then the rest of us would eat donuts to celebrate.”

    Best answer ever. :)