Mind Games
I avoid relationships that are heavy on mind games.Trying to figure out what people really want and if they mean what the say is tedious. Sure, folks are full of subtlety, but if you want something, I expect you to say so. The only mind games I like are games like Soduku, Hashi, Slitherlink. Oh, and writing.
Being a professional writer has to be the biggest mind-fuck of all.
Last month, author Nancy J. Parra wrote an article about that very thing on her blog. She talks about the pitfalls of comparing ourselves to other writers. It’s a good reminder that although it’s comforting and even inspirational to have writing friends along the way, it’s important that we don’t sabotage ourselves (and our friendships) by letting in spikes of jealousy and self-doubt.
Because, I tell ya, you’re going to need those friends. I think all writers are at least half crazy. And, at least in my case, that doesn’t mean half my mind is sane and half is over-the-edge. No, it means that at least 12 hours a day I’m a total freaking loon. The only times I’m not certifiable are when I’m sleeping, eating, or writing. The actual writing, as in typing. For some reason that soothes the savage in me. The other part: the creative staring into space: batty. The obsessing over agents and editors: cuckoo. And if you really want to see me unhinged, talk to me about whether my current WIP is going to work, once it’s all said and done. I dunno! Maybe it’s a waste of time! Maybe I’ll devote a year to writing something totally unpublishable. Sales ranks, reviews, interviews, blog tour response… more to drive me round the bend in days to come.
It’s hard to explain why it feels like every rejection letter is a dagger to the heart and every acceptance, good review, or even just a request to read more is more thrilling than falling in love. It’s exhausting! A Certain Highlander calls it my “artistic temperament”. I love him for that. He could have just sent the men in white coats.
I’ve tried to stop writing, just for the sake of my sanity, but it never works. I’m stuck with it, but I love it. Because although the lows are low, but when it’s going well, it’s worth every bump in the road.
So, if you’re a writer: take Nancy’s advice and don’t make things worse by comparing yourself and your successes to anyone else’s. There’s enough crazy in this profession without adding to it. Some people think being a good friend means being a good listener, or helping you move bodies, or having cry-onable shoulders. Those things are great, but for me it’s when someone knows me and said “artistic temperament” (including my foibles, faults and failures) and accepts me anyway. So if you’re one of my friends (and if you’re reading this, you probably are): thank you. I needed that.
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Being a relative novice (and nonprofessional) to this game, I have quickly realised that there are authors out there whose work I admire because they have a unique perspective and ability to write. There is at times a professional jealousy when I think that my work cannot compare.
However, it is a reciprocal relationship when people think that my work is also worthwhile and “good.”
[ Follow me on Twitter: revhappiness ]
I’ve followed Karen Gowen Jones’s blog, and she’s a published writer who say that all the same insecurities exist for published writers too. A contract doesn’t make the rest of it disappear.
My writing friends will receive my support, and I’m thrilled for each who does well. But it’s harder when someone provides a link from someone whom I don’t know who gets a contract, and it all sounds like it was so easy. I guess it’s rare for it to be easy.
You give good advice, and I try to keep it in mind.
Good advice for all areas of your life. We really need to quit comparing ourselves to others across the board.
First, it’s comparing apples to brussel sprouts most of the time. Our journey is our own. Second, looking outward to validate our success is a kill joy. Have you ever been thrilled to get a 98% on a test only to have all the joy sucked out of it because someone else got a 100? Why do we do that to ourselves?
Being a total loon so many hours out of the day made me laugh out loud. There are times when I just sit around and let my mind drift. On more than one occasion I’ve snapped out of my stupor to ask my wife something like “Do you think it would be too edgy to kill of a character with forced heroin injections?”
The questions sometimes take her by surprise and it takes a moment to realize that I must have let my mind wander on something I planned to write. For that moment I get a look full of “what the hell is wrong with you”.
I think a little jealousy can be good just as long as it is directed at someone ability to do something (write in a particular style, create characters, etc) instead of focusing on some sort of monetary achievement. I think that thread of jealousy makes some people drive harder to accomplish their goals.
[ Follow me on Twitter: waltw ]
To Adam, the novice — I recently read a poem by W.S. Merwyn that was so exquisitely worded, so painfully insightful it moved me–a crusty old chick/poet–to tears. Deep. Racking. Real Tears. I thought I’d never again write poetry because mine paled by comparison
Shortly afterward, I ran across the source of the term “bonfires of the vanities” which lead to research as well as to borrowing Tom Wolfe’s novel from the library. That, in turn, provided a bargeload of praise heaped upon him, as “prophetic”, “the premier novel of the 20th Century, and so on. All that, whilst MY WIP continues to marinate, and marinate, and I pickle my liver in very good Scottish whisky.
Any time two things are compared, some thing dies. I won’t let that be me and you shouldn’t either. I found Tom Wolfe’s book to be beautifully written claptrap, of no interest to me; found myself saying, “so what?” Write on and may the road rise up to meet you, the wind at your back, and the joy of writing enlarge your life.
[ Follow me on Twitter: girlfrenkate ]
I love this- yes, I was thinking today about how hard I have to work so that I don’t scare “normal” people while out in public.
Once I started laughing out loud at something one of my characters said in my head, while I was outside jogging. Oh, the looks I got. People veered away, terrified.
I waved. “Runners high. Just runner’s high.” Then I decided to change jogging paths.
I am a teacher,as well as a writer, and live with comparisons everyday. Comparisons made by students, parents, other staff members and administration, and the state. You would think that after a while it would become background noise, but truthfully, it never does. My character and expertise is on display daily for judgment. So too, with writing. It is a daily struggle to allow my small successes and victories to have the upperhand over self-doubt. But I’m an optimist at heart, so that bouys me.
I used to publish quite a bit when manuscripts were typed out on battered old Underwood typewriters. (I used a standard not even electric for years.) That was long ago.
I became ensnared in a profession that did not allow for time or energy to write. I had so much that became cluttered in my head that I did almost fall into the abyss of insanity because I could not do what I have felt destined to do whether it was good enough to publish or not.
I do not now, nor have I ever compared myself to other writers. The closest I came was in high school and the school newspaper. I wanted to make sure I had plenty of bylines and yes, I ensured that I had a featured column by senior year. After that I just focused on my own work such as it was.
I am working furiously on two novels and some other essays for publication. If I am published I will celebrate, if I am not I will learn from the experience. I am 53 years old, this is not new terrain for me. Rejections still sting but I can rejoice the the success of others and not have it take anything away from my art because I write for myself and if it finds a publisher I will be happy and if it doesn’t well, I shall just write some more.
Good luck to all. This is a steep learning curve in many ways.
Ciao,
Ardee-ann
[ Follow me on Twitter: ardee_sagemoon ]
When writing is going well for me I am bright, cheery and a pleasure to be around. Whenever I am around that is and not sequestered with my pen and paper or tapping away at the computer. When writing is not going well, I am like a splattered jelly on the floor, that needs to be scraped up before I disintegrate between the tiles of the kitchen floor.
I wish I could stop hyperventilating as I compare myself to more successful writers and bloggers. Note to self: Stop It!
Great Post! Really needed that.
Nope, you can’t compare yourself to others, as it can be really, really discouraging!