According to the Metro: “Officers responded to a call reporting a man on fire in Harriman, Tennessee on Tuesday, only to discover the couple severely burned and, apparently, drunk. The 62-year-old man refused to answer any of the officer’s questions, while the woman insisted that ‘the lawn mower had blown up’ – despite the fact that there wasn’t a lawn mower at the scene, the Knoxville News Sentinel reports. Officers found a can of petrol, a lighter and a cigarette butt on the front porch of the house.”

Now see here’s the important part:

“A neighbour initially told police that he had seen the couple dousing each other with petrol and setting each other on fire, but then recanted his statement, saying only that he’d spotted flames and gone to help.”

So this is the genesis of today’s Quick Tip:

If you aren’t smart enough to make up a believable lie, make sure your neighbours are good and scared of you. You never know when this might come in handy. Being the type of person who sets your life-partner on fire during a fight is one example of how to achieve this.

I hope this has been a lesson to you all!

After reading some unfortunate, but inadvertently hilarious, problems people get themselves into because of Facebook (or Twitter, or texting, or IMs, or email). Problems like, oh, losing their jobs,  their partner, or causing irreparable rifts on their families, or just making things awkward. Then there’s always the one about the fugitive was was caught because he updated his status.

And if you do find you’ve made an enormous faux pas, at least aquaint yourself with the “delete” button.

If you’re not quite sure what I mean and have never heard of any of these scare-stories, I have two words for you: Tiger Woods. I mean seriously… did he have to say “This is Tiger” at the beginning of his ill-planned sooper-sekrit phone message to mistress #3?

Quick Tip #7

Facebook is public. Don’t write anything on the internet that you don’t want everyone to know about. That means email, facebook, Twitter, IMs, and even phone and text messages. And for fuck’s sake, don’t take pictures of your most idiotic moments or let anyone else take pictures. And while I’m at it, don’t take pictures of your hoohaas either.

I read an article today that freaked me out a little. It was about how to view private profiles on Facebook. It involves being willing to be a bit of a jackass stalker, but I’ve never found any shortage of those on the web.

Sure you can de-friend people and even block them, but when someone is determined to be an asshat, there’s really no stopping them.

Here’s a couple of examples that I found tragically humorous:

If, like me, you’re still not deterred by these stories to dump social networking forever, at least take a look at the 10 Privacy Settings Everyone Should Know About.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just want to go back to bed. Sometimes I do just go back to bed.

And sometimes, if you’re very observant, you can see that no matter what your challenges, whether you be laid up, knocked down, heart-broken or snowed under, there are people who have it worse than you. On the other hand, there must be one person in the world that has it worse than everyone else. I think it might be this guy:

His neighbors didn’t realise he was dead. Instead, they walked on by, believing for days that his corpse was a Halloween display.

Quick Tip #6

Try not to die in October.

So, back to my “Quick Tips”! Haven’t done one for a while.

Quick Tip #5: Dealing With Procrastination

If you’re procrastinating (i.e. not doing something) it’s most likely because you’re trying to make yourself do something you really don’t want to do in the first place. Quit doing that, and that ooky feeling (called “guilt”) goes away!

You know, life doesn’t have to be so complicated.

However!

Sometimes it matters. The following are all examples I’ve seen recently, and… seriously… it’s worth a mention.

“I’m waiting with baited/bated breath.”
Baited means you’ve been eating worms.
Bated means to abate, to lessen, to hold back, i.e. “I can’t breathe.”

Example #2:

“I am tired of looser/loser old men hitting on me.”
Looser means un-tight.  In other words, they might have bowel problems.
Loser means un-winner.

Example #3:

“Please bare/bear with me.”
Bare means naked.  So it turns the phrase into a proposition.
Bear means “hang tight”.  More or less.

Learn these. Trust me.  Unless of course you’re a worm-eating, naked-lovin’ person with bowel afflicted persuers.  In which case, as you were.

Quick Tip #3: There is NO Bank

Women might indicate otherwise, for motives I wouldn’t care to speculate on, but when it comes to earning “points” with the woman in your life, there is no bank.  The credit you earn now is the credit you have.   You can’t point back to a good thing you did a week ago and say “But hey I did the dishes without being asked last week.”  It don’t work that way.

Now some might consider this cruel, but it’s not… it’s just simply the way it is, and the sooner you understand the truth of the Chick Point System, the sooner you will be able to achieve the happy status of understanding you so desire.

Let me give you an example:

1. Monday:  Buy flowers for her.  + 10 points
2. Tuesday: Do dishes without being asked +5 points (Assuming this is a point of contention or something you don’t normally do.) Note: This gets fewer points than flowers because you dont’ have to leave the house or spend money to do it.
3. Wednesday: Give her fantastic, thoughful, multi-orgasmic sex. +10 points. (Although you don’t have to leave the house or spend money for this one… hey.. it’s good orgasms.  Shut up.)
4. Thursday: Remember to put gas/diesel in the car on the way home, knowing that she’s going to be using the car first thing in the morning and won’t want to have to stop.  +15 points.

Now.. the quiz… On Friday morning, how many points does he have?

The novice would look at that and say, “Easy… 40 points!”  Oh, you poor, dear soul.  )

The correct answer: 0 points.

Don’t cry to me about it.  You should thank me for explaining this.  You got credits for what you did on Monday-Thursday, no doubt, but just remember.. there is no bank.

Remember this, and your life will get easier.  Promise.

Quick Tip #2: Cat Fights

If, at 4 in the morning, you hear the ungodly noises of cats fighting outside your window, do NOT under any circumstances climb out the window to run them off, even if your bedroom windows, like mine, appear easy to climb out of being reasonably large and low to the ground.

1. It’s likely that in the dark and your sleep-hazed frame of mind, you could step on dog shit and/or the dead bird left for you by the member of your household involved in said cat fight.
2. Said cat, being in a hissy state, might not feel endebted or even slightly grateful to be picked up and hauled toward the window.
3. Finding oneself outside a locked house, in one’s jammies, at 4 in the morning, holding a hissy cat, one might find it much harder to climb INTO the window than it was to climb OUT.

Nobody said gaining life experience was always what we expected it would be. It was a very very very long night last night.

The Culprit

Quick Tip #1

People who start sentences with the phrases “I’m the kind of person that…” or “I’ve always believed that….” are getting ready to tell you something catastrophically boring.