According to the Metro: “Officers responded to a call reporting a man on fire in Harriman, Tennessee on Tuesday, only to discover the couple severely burned and, apparently, drunk. The 62-year-old man refused to answer any of the officer’s questions, while the woman insisted that ‘the lawn mower had blown up’ – despite the fact that there wasn’t a lawn mower at the scene, the Knoxville News Sentinel reports. Officers found a can of petrol, a lighter and a cigarette butt on the front porch of the house.”

Now see here’s the important part:

“A neighbour initially told police that he had seen the couple dousing each other with petrol and setting each other on fire, but then recanted his statement, saying only that he’d spotted flames and gone to help.”

So this is the genesis of today’s Quick Tip:

If you aren’t smart enough to make up a believable lie, make sure your neighbours are good and scared of you. You never know when this might come in handy. Being the type of person who sets your life-partner on fire during a fight is one example of how to achieve this.

I hope this has been a lesson to you all!

And Sarah Palin “helping” John McCain get re-elected in Arizona was pretty hilarious too. I like the part where she told the crowd he was probably at the original tea party. Yes, remind people that he’s really old. When I saw the video clip the expression on his face was priceless. It read something like: shoot me. Speaking of guns, hearing her explain that “reload” is code for “vote” amused me, but more in an eye-rolling way.

The truth of it is, even the story of the man who gave mouth-to-mouth to road kill or the woman who pretended to be an FBI agent and got her neighbours to act as her ‘assistants’ (that was the best part really) failed to really get me in the mood to blog mockily.

Although there are lots of dumb people out there to give me material, most of it has just been putting me in a bad mood. What with the calls for violence and then the lame “we never said that” non-retractions, the division, the vitriol, the flat out lies… the wars and death… the scandals and hypocrisy… the inability to see ourselves reflected in the insults we hurl… Ugh.

Good news though, I saw something that gave me the warm, comfortable feeling that I am not the only one who wants to turn to certain people and say “oh for fucks sake shut up… you’re making us all look bad.”

So, enjoy this little moment. It’s non-partisan and guaranteed to make you feel just a bit better. If it doesn’t work, then when you’re done, make your own ceiling cat and put it over the bed of someone you live with. Preferably while they’re sleeping.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just want to go back to bed. Sometimes I do just go back to bed.

And sometimes, if you’re very observant, you can see that no matter what your challenges, whether you be laid up, knocked down, heart-broken or snowed under, there are people who have it worse than you. On the other hand, there must be one person in the world that has it worse than everyone else. I think it might be this guy:

His neighbors didn’t realise he was dead. Instead, they walked on by, believing for days that his corpse was a Halloween display.

Quick Tip #6

Try not to die in October.

They’re basically offering “Rapture Insurance” for your pets. A group of atheists have banded together to say that if you get raptured within the next ten years, they will look after your pets for you (for $110 for the first pet and $15 per additional critter). “We are currently active in 22 states. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.”

One friend told me he believes it’s a scam through and through… that these atheists are laughing all the way to the bank, insuring Christians against something that’s never going to happen, effectively paying a “gullible tax” (in the mind of the operators of the site.) But my thought is that if their clients really believe they might get yanked up to heaven at any moment, leaving behind unbelieving neighbours and loved ones, and also beloved pets, then if the offer is sincere, wouldn’t it give them peace of mind?

That being said, I figure most people’s pets will die within the next ten years. (The period from payment that the EEBP will cover.) So that also makes me lean a bit toward the scam/joke end of things.

And yet… I know a few people who do literally believe that the rapture could happen at any moment. I wonder if these are the same people that responded to a poll saying they were certain that  Obama is the anti-Christ. So doesn’t that make this more of a bet than insurance? (Well, I suppose insurance is gambling from a certain perspective.) These atheists obviously do believe that they won’t have to actually do anything for your $110. If they did believe it, they wouldn’t be aetheists. On the other hand, they’re offering peace of mind to people who worry about such things.

I still can’t quite process what I think about it. I suppose it is a scam after all, because if they don’t fulfil their promise, the victims of their deception won’t be around to sue. But if these atheists do lose their bets, they’ll have bigger worries on their hands than what to do with a missing stranger’s cat.

These have to be the most useless gifts ever. I read about this on a Weird News site, and then googled it, and came upon the official site for the product, chia-obama.com The best part has to be this description of the product:

Chia Obama Determined Pose Handmade Planter

It occurs to me that never in my life will any “pose” I make have a name, no matter how well I make it. Or I wonder if this means they have a whole line of Chia Obamas? Otherwise, why bother to name it? Is there a “Let’s Be Bi-Partisan pose” and a “No no you di-n’t, Joe Wilson pose” maybe a special “Bowling Pose”? My personal favourite would have to be the “Obama Superman Pose“, but I’m not sure it would work well on a Chia Pet.

Just as well, really, because those things are tacky as hell, and when I get my Obama Action Figure, I really don’t think I want Salvia hispanica growing out of it.

A PASSENGER on a bus got impatient of waiting on the driver to start his shift – so drove the vehicle herself.

Chen Li decided to do the driver’s job for him and kept to the 528’s route through Hangzhou, eastern China – even dropping off and picking up passengers.

The woman then abandoned the coach once she got to her own stop.

Driver,  Xiuo Gu was suspended and charged for leaving the bus unattended.

From the Perthshire Advertiser

I love that she didn’t even get in trouble.. I wonder if she got paid! Sounds like she did a better job than the regular guy!

Apparently the actual charge is something like hacking.  CNN reporters are such a bunch of drama queens.  Murder!

But I think the absolute best part of the story is here:

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead.

It reminds me of the young guy that went to police after being beaten up by a pack of old ladies at a Sarah Palin rally recently.  Allegedly.  Or something.  But the point is, if I were a 20 year old man that went to an enclosed space that was guaranteed to be full of activists of quite the opposite point of view from me, I wouldn’t admit that little gem of stupidity, much less that mob mentality had seized a bunch of seniors and I’d gotten my ass handed to me.

And that’s what this is about really….. good judgement.  We expect our political candidates to have it, we want our bosses and our employees to have it, our teachers and even strangers, and then we go off and do things like give our co-workers our passwords after engaging in some “virtual marriage” (as if the real thing isn’t hard enough, we have to pretend to do it online as well) and then are so shocked and surprised when they go postal on us after we tell them that we’re done with them that we call the police when we’ve been virtually wronged.  You know what?  There’s enough real wrong in the world to worry about this idiot guy’s virtual hurt.

I seriously hope the cops end up just laughing at the guy and saying ‘Umm, this is why everyone with brains ever told you never never never give out your password, no matter what kind of virtual nookie you’re getting.”  And then I hope they add “Dumbass.” just for good measure.

While I like the concept of the show: illustrating what morons most of us are and how we’ve lost touch with the basic knowledge we (possibly) learned in school by asking questions from 5th grade (and lower) textbooks about Social Studies, Science, Math, Geography, etc. ?

However the truth is, when we become adults, not only do the questions change, but the entire format of questions in our lives change.  It’s no longer “What is the capitol of…” but “Why on earth did X do that and what am I supposed to do now?”

I’d like to see 5th graders tackle the questions real life throws at you…

• Your child calls you at 3 in the morning, drunk, when you thought they were asleep in their room.  What do you do?
  1. Go get them and tell them how much you love them.
  2. Go get them, but take a bucket because you dont’ want them puking in your new car and you just had it detailed.
  3. Wake your spouse and tell them it’s their turn for shit-detail.
  4. Tell them to get a cab.
• Your husband tells you he fancies the male next-door neighbour.  What is the appropriate response?
  1. “Holy Christ, are you fucking with me?”
  2. “Okay, but only if I can play too.”
  3. “That’s okay, I have my attorney on speed-dial.”
  4. “Sorry, he’s straight.  I know because I’ve been sleeping with him for 2 years.”
• Your dope-fiend boyfriend got high and won’t stop masturbating in front of your kids, despite your repeated pleas.
  1. Leave the house (with the kids)
  2. Leave the house (without the kids)
  3. Call the police and lock yourself in the basement until they arrive
  4. Stab him twice in the shoulder
• You are a US Senator accused of lewd behaviour in public.  Do you:
  1. Deny you are gay.
  2. Explain it was accidental foot bumpage under the stall dividers.
  3. Accuse the police of entrapment.
  4. All of the above.
• Your child has disappeared.  Do you:
  1. Call the police immediately.
  2. Sue the newspapers who say you might have killed him/her yourself.
  3. Hire a press agent.
  4. All of the above.

Actually.. nevermind… I don’t want to see 5th graders tackle those questions after all.  That’s why we’re the grown-ups.

The latest evidence that someone has spent too much time watching Sherlock Holmes on A&E (although I do confess a certain affection for Jeremy Brett), is this news story:

LAKEWOOD, Colo. (AP) — Two men who allegedly tried to use rattlesnakes as deadly weapons to collect on a debt have been charged with conspiracy to commit murder, authorities said.

Read the full article here

Rattlesnakes? I suppose the silver lining in this story of utter dumbassishness is to point out that perhaps the waiting times for gun purchases are, after all, having an effect.

It also goes to show that although I support the concept of strict regulation on the sale of guns and ammunition, that you really can’t prevent people from trying to kill each other, and you certainly can’t legislate them out of being stupid.

1.  Eat Glass and Make $200,000

BOSTON – A man pleaded guilty Wednesday to his role in a multistate scheme in which prosecutors say he and his wife intentionally ate glass at restaurants and collected more than $200,000 in compensation.

Ronald Evano, 49, pleaded guilty to 20 federal counts, including conspiracy, mail fraud, wire fraud and identity theft. Prosecutors dropped four counts of identity fraud and health care fraud in the plea agreement.

Prosecutors say Evano and his wife, Mary, filed fraudulent insurance claims worth more than $200,000, collected more than $200,000 and left a trail of unpaid medical bills totaling more than $100,000 in several states between 1997 and 2005.

From: The Daily American

Now, the downside to this is that this only averages out to about $40,000/year.  Considering there were two of them involved, that’s $20,000 per year EACH.  That’s really hardly worth eating glass for.  I mean McDonald’s managers make more than that.

2.  Expose Yourself

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. (AP) — A 52-year-old man prosecutors called a “career flasher” was sentenced to more than 13 years in prison after pleading no contest to charges he exposed himself to a woman on a commuter train.

Although they call it a career, I don’t see any profit in it.  Sounds like my blog makes more money, and I’m unlikely to go to prison for it.

3.  Flip off the cops

MOBILE, Ala. (AP) — The city of Mobile is appealing a judge’s decision to award $3,000 to a motorist who was arrested for making an obscene hand gesture to a police officer. City attorney Ashton Hill said Wednesday the city is seeking to have Addison DeBoi’s civil suit heard in circuit court.

On July 31, District Court Judge Michael McMaken ruled in favor of DeBoi in his wrongful arrest suit and ordered the police department to pay $3,000.

DeBoi, 56, was arrested by Officer Bristol Hines on Sept. 2, 2005, on a charge of disorderly conduct after he made a hand gesture while the two men were in their vehicles. He was acquitted last year and sued the city for $10,000 in damages, citing time lost from work, the threat of losing his engineering job – which requires a government security clearance – and the embarrassment of being put in jail.

In awarding him $3,000, the judge said police officers must have “thicker skin” than the general public.

Although at first this seems like a good plan, after all, to make a decent living, you’d just have to flip off a few dozen cops, which really doesn’t take any time at all, the whole “appeal” bit makes it tedious, and who wants to spend all that time in court?  Plus, there’s always a chance you’d get the crap beat out of you by cops who got sick of your ass.  Overall, the risks are too high here.

I guess for now I’ll have to stick to the day job, but I’m always keeping my eyes open.